Wow, it really has been a roller-coaster week or so!
I had notification earlier this month that my house was going to be re-possessed. This is not the place I am currently living, but the place I moved out of. The albatross of a house that I spent the majority of my drinking time in, where my daughter was depressed and slept away a lot of her teenage years in , in between smoking far too much weed and destroying her environment when I was out at work and she and her friends were in my house graffiti-ing and tearing down the wall-paper. The place I could not afford to do up, so although it was at one time an impressive, large Victorian house with many original features including the original range in the kitchen, in later years fell into disrepair and needed so much work doing on it that I felt the weight of it press down on me every time I drove up the street towards it. Yet I loved it, too. I loved the range, the open fire-place in the front room, it was imposing, three stories, with a beautiful little garden that had apple trees and raspberry canes and was overgrown with ivy and creepers…
The estate agents urged me to go to court and fight the repossession, I was ready to give it up, but they agreed to pay the court costs, so there I was at 10 AM on Monday morning, having been convinced that the court would give me a postponement. My application was declined. Tears sprung into my eyes when I heard the judgement. I had not expected that. So the house has gone.
Of course, I still owe the money, but I guess they can’t get blood out of a stone.
Added to that, I have been really struggling with my mood for some weeks, and also still sleeping far too much. I am convinced that I have a physical illness of some sort, but the last time I went to my GP to complain of sleeping too much, she dismissed me, saying ‘oh, I do that too’! So, I will have to persevere at that one, only thing is it takes three weeks to get an appointment at my doctors, unless you can ring at 8 in the morning to get an ‘emergency appointment’ the same day, only trouble is, I have this sleeping problem…
Those are the troughs, pretty depressing, all-in-all.
The peaks, however, are also in the mix. Last Friday I had some really positive feedback on my latest article, and was commissioned to write two more articles for this week! It’s not a lot of money, but it is a step in the right direction for getting myself established as a writer in the recovery field. And today, I applied for a blogger position at ‘Afterpartychat’, using one of my other pieces as an example of my work, and within the hour the editor was back to me saying she thought I would be ‘perfect’ for the job. I just have to complete an ‘audition’ piece to their satisfaction, and I could potentially have landed a really good writing gig, paying really quite well, although it does require a bit of leg work in terms of research. But, nonetheless!
The thing I notice is how reactive my mood is, it is so dependent on what is going on externally, and I want to try and change that. Sure, there has to be some reaction to life’s ups and downs, but I have literally gone from despair to elation in the space of a week. Must get back into my mindfulness, I find that always helps, and really notice when I neglect to do it, which I have been doing of late.
Another thing to note is that I am coming up to my one year anniversary of quitting, my 1st sober birthday! woohoo! Yet the chaos is still there, it really is going to take time to sort out, the devastating effects of over a decade of heavy drinking. But, only 5 weeks to go to my soberversary, I am proud and pleased that I have made it this far. Must think of something to do to celebrate.